The Music Lives

Music. The best art in the world. Captures feelings and emotion. Calms. Soothes. Reforms. Music has always been a huge part of my life. It's a time stamp on different periods of my life. I remember being 3/4 years old and loving Alabama's Song of the South. I knew every word and my parents would listen to me sing it every day. I remember the first time I heard Tracy Chapman's Fast Car and how sad it made me feel. I was young but I felt all the emotion in that song. We used to have this huge cabinet record player with red speakers and at any given time you could find me listening and dancing to Michael Jackson's Thriller album. Beat It being one of my favorites. It made me feel tough and powerful. I transitioned through life with different musicians and almost always had the radio on. I even went through the depressed teenage years where all I listened to was Nirvana and could tell you everything there was to know about Kurt Cobain. I had 11 Nirvana shirts at one time. I became anavringirl (a screen name I'm sure has been coveted for years).That stage has definitely passed and I even find myself forgeting Nirvana lyrics and song titles. I've changed and moved on. When Eric and I first started dating, we listened to a lot of Pete Yorn, Radiohead, Sister Hazel, and Ben Folds. It was a great time and those worn albums bring back lots of memories. I moved on to Ben Kweller, Death Cab for Cutie, and went back to Hanson. Then there seemed to be a dead season in music. Rock and alternative changed and became something plain and emotionless. I only purchased new music of known bands. Music is now alive again. Bands like Mumford and Sons, The Avett Brothers, Of Monsters and Men, and Grouplove (just to name a few)are in the limelight and I am able to discover and enjoy new music again. It makes me happy to know that there is new music out there that is actually worth my money. My favorite band at the moment has to be the Avett Brothers. They have it all. Folk, rock, some grunge, pop. They allow me to feel every emotion in the book. They make me feel whole.

Friendship

I've never been very good at making friends. Of course it's even harder as an adult...I never know what to say and my awkwardness seems to overpower all of my other traits. I always seem to attract people who use me or just don't put in as much effort as I do. Sometimes, of course, I don't put in much effort because I really don't have that much in common with the person. What's there to lose in that case? I wonder if friendship is truly needed. Whether good friends are a neccessary or not, I would like to have them. So good friends needed/wanted: Must like/listen/enjoy good music and still appreciate what you don't like, be family oriented, be thoughtful/caring, give full attention when people are speaking, not be glued to your phone, know how to laugh, be silly at times, and be open-minded. Please apply within.

I am a tree.

Today someone told me that I am not a tree and that I should move if I don't like where I live. I think about moving a lot and as I consider it, I feel more and more like a tree. My roots are not deep but shallow and wide. Enough to hold me here and keep me. Change is hard sometimes, we all know that, but change is good and change is always needed. I probably will not move anytime soon, but I'm not sure that I belong here. Fear is a massive anchor. I'm afraid of a lot of things. I worry about everything and weigh options and justify decisions. I'm definitely not the free spirit that I wish to be. I see beautiful and strong women in this world that sacrifice their safety daily for what they believe in. I feel ashamed at times because I'm concerned about what others might think of me. I tell myself that I should not care and that it doesn't really matter, but it's in me, and it's hard to overcome. These women have suffered and have a fighting spirit. Others have suffered so that I will not have to. What has that left me with? An easy life that I did not work hard to deserve. A position taken for granted. A fear of stepping up. I think the opposite of their intentions...

Sea of Thoughts

There is rarely a moment that goes by that is not consumed with thought. One thought after another races through my mind - so many that at times it feels as if I'm drowning in them. My brain has learned how to swim through the sea. Sometimes it struggles and becomes weary with the battle of currents and other times shallow waters are a soothing comfort. Like anyone, I contemplate people: their choices, actions, and reasonings. Why in the world would they do some of the things they do? What makes me naturally moral, but leaves others with the sense that they deserve the world? And then I contemplate my own self as well. What makes me who I am? Does it truly matter? Does anyone actually care and should they? There are days that I feel I can answer every single one of those questions with confidence. Others where I'm in tears trying to figure them out.