I am a Shopaholic.

I like to shop. There's no secret, I'm a shopaholic. I always "need" something. I hate it. I love it...while it lasts. I get excited about trying on clothes and filling up my basket and then I get to the checkout and realize what I've done. The crazy thing is that I'm not what I would call a big spender. I rarely purchase anything full price and I'm in love with the Goodwill store. Most of my purchases are second hand and I donate a lot of things. However, a trip to the Goodwill store EVERY weekend adds up by the time you consider the gas there, the lunch we eat, the clothes I don't need, and the gas home. I'm addicted and I'm terrible.

 I think the main reason I like to shop is that it's a place to go. I don't have many places to go and idle hands are the devil's playground, right? I get bored. I go shopping. I have several things I could be doing at home: playing guitar, watching a show, reading a book, cleaning...blugh, working in the yard, sewing. I have too many things to keep me busy, however, shopping seems to be the most fun. I have to change this! I could be this amazing, creative person if I would just stay home. I could be the true earth child I've always wanted to be!

I planned all of our future bill payoffs tonight (another addiction), and I though I already knew that I could easily be debt free in 5 years, I hadn't realized that I could be rid of 3 of my bills by this time next year. That's amazing! It motivates me to do better. That shopaholic feeling will not go away easily and probably not even soon, but hopefully with time and progress, I will take control. Transformation begun.

I am a Butterfly

I am beautiful and I'm not vain (most of the time). That is not something that I would have ever said about myself before this last year. I didn't think I was ugly, just normal and average. I AM beautiful and I always have been. My husband has known it all along. It's a confidence that I've never had before and I love it. I think the biggest change in me is my drive to finally take care of my body, but I should have had more confidence all along. The best part: my daughter will hear what I love about my body and not what I hate. We talk about healthy foods and unhealthy foods and how moderation is the key to all food. We talk about excercise and why it's important. I hope she will have the confidence that I lacked in school. I now not only tell her that she is beautiful, but that mommy is too. I think that's important for a little girl.

Behavior. Nature or Nurture?

Why do people behave the way the do? I know that question has been on the minds of people through the ages and we as humans will probably never stop thinking about it. Even as we discover what parts of the brain cause behaviors, we still mostly don't know why. My thoughts are stirred tonight because of another blogger/my own children and my siblings.

 1. My very bright and beautiful daughter seems to be going through normal stages of childhood. She's 4 now and we went through the terrible twos followed by a stage of amazingly good behavior. Now we've hit a stage where she's trying to throw tantrums again. I puzzle over why she's doing this. My best guess is that she's now the oldest child at daycare now and since she's surrounded by younger children, she is acting like them. ?? I really don't know. She is good at manipulating situations and turning things around to her favor. I assume that it doesn't help that she has a grandparent on both sides that gives her every thing she wants and never utters the word 'no'. At home, she doesn't listen very well anymore. I will ask her to stop and she's "just playing" but she continues even after I've asked again, which leads to time out or a spanking and then she starts slapping things like the couch or a toy. Why has she started doing this? Not a clue. It makes me angry and worried for her. I hope it's just a stage and she grows out of it soon.

On the other hand, my son seems to be very well mannered and behaved. He's skipped the terrible two's so far and he's very helpful around the house. He will clean with me, exercise with me, and even put his coat where it goes after ripping it off. When he was 18 months old he would open Hershey Kisses over the trash can so he wouldn't make a mess. He says excuse me and thank you and when I scold him he gets upset but accepts it. He seems very aware of what he did and why it was wrong. He's nice to his sister and is constantly sharing. She takes full advantage of this though and that bothers me. I think I'll be able to talk him though anything and he'll look at every aspect of it and understand.

I mentioned another blogger because she's having issues with one of her younger children and she's not sure what to do because she feels that she might have made a mistake with one of her older children. I'm a strong believer in learning from everyone's mistakes, so I really like to read her thoughts on the situation. I personally feel like she must be an amazing parent and that leads me to believe that sometimes, people are who they are no matter what you do. That's scary too, because that means that there's no way to fix the world. If that's true, then good parenting won't do it and it seems like the most promising thing to me. She's trying to let her children be themselves, which I think is important too.
My problem is that I don't know where the balance is. Where do you draw the line of letting your child be themselves without letting them run your world? Can we really make change their behavior without changing them? I'm not really sure. I know I definitely want my children to grow up to be respectful and educated.

 2. My siblings. I don't even want to claim them anymore. I rarely think about my oldest and I wish my middle one would learn something, anything! I come from a normal middle class family. My parents were never divorced and though they fought sometimes, they usually got along very well. We had money to buy things and my parents took us places. They never abused us, never chose cigarettes or alcohol over us, and never let us go hungry. They are extremely stable people. They haven't always done the right thing, but they took care of us.

They ended up with 3 children: My 2 older brothers and myself. My oldest brother started rebelling around the age of 14. I was 1 then. He threw angry fits, nothing was ever fair, and he never followed the rules. It wasn't as noticeable until he turned 16. My parents bought him a truck and didn't even make him get a job. I think that was their biggest mistake. He didn't have any responsibility. He still shouldn't have turned out the way he did. He has 4 kids that we know of. He never sees any of them and doesn't care about them at all. He beats on women. He drinks. He's a druggie. He's violent. He's also very friendly and a good story teller. If his good side showed all the time, he'd be an amazing person. It only shows in the beginning though. He goes through a pattern. He manipulates people with his friendliness and then becomes violent if they refuse and tries to scare them into doing things. He's even threatened my parents and been in fights with my dad. He's homeless and jumps around from house to house mooching off of any one he can: usually druggies. He's not allowed to see my parents right now and I think he's actually in jail in OKC. I'm happiest with him when he's in jail. I know here he is, he's always on his best behavior there so he can get out, and he has a roof over his head and food to eat. He's still a loser though. He's been helped time and time again and I resent him because he stole a lot of my childhood. My parents were so focused on fixing him, that it took time away from me.

My middle brother used to be a little smarter. Now he seems to be beginning the same road. He has two daughters that he pretended to care about. He gives them a roof and food. That's about it. They go somewhere every weekend to get away from home. He doesn't abuse them or anything, but he's not a good father. If I had room, I would take them home with me permanently. They bide their time until they can leave and I don't blame them. I think they will be ok. I try and educate them with my personal life skills and they seem to soak it up and admire me.

I am the 3rd child: The baby. I am responsible. I've never done a single drug or smoked anything in my life. I've kissed one boy. I married him. Yes I've lied from time to time and I did try alcohol and will drink wine from time to time. That's ok though. I  take care of my children and spend time with them. I am educated and have a good job. How did we all come from the same family? This is where I come full circle. My parents disciplined them. Helped them. Were good parents. I turned out as a productive adult. They didn't. What is so different? Is it just who they are and it can't be changed or helped? Why would it be that way? Did peer pressure affect them more than my parents? Is it a personality type? I don't know. I hope it's not any of those things. I hope I can at least have a little control over who my children will be and what skills they have and choose to use.

Natural Skin: Oil Cleansing and Honey Wash

Sometimes being comfortable in your skin is difficult. I've had issues with oily and acne prone skin since Junior High and they didn't go away with age. I've used all sorts of products in battling my skin problems and most of them do not work (at least for me). I did have one small period of extremely clean, healthy looking skin and that was, luckily, right before my wedding. I used Proactiv for about a year before my wedding and after about 6 months of using it, I had beautiful clear skin. Another 6 months went by before it completely stopped working. Since then, I've tried all sorts of things that dried out and literally burned my face.  As far as makeup goes, I've used Covergirl, Arbonne, Mary Kay, Bare Minerals, Avon, Flower Cosmetics, and Merle Norman. For me, Merle Norman works the best.
**Update** I tried following methods for about 3 months. It seemed like my face would clear and then break completely out again. Now I have switched to Clinique's ache line for wash and makeup. My face seems to be doing better, but it seems that I'll always struggle. Out of everything natural I ttried though, pure honey seemed to have the best results for me.
I'm tired of using chemicals that don't seem to help and cost a lot of money to even try.  So far, I've spent about $15 buying oils that can be used for other things as well.  I made a sugar scrub out of Extra Virgin Olive Oil, Honey, and Brown Sugar, all of which I already had in my pantry.  Recipe: 2 cups brown sugar, 1/4 cup Honey, 1/2 cup Olive Oil.  I will be using it twice a week to exfoliate.  I love it so far and even made an extra to give to my mom.

In looking for the newest thing, I've come across the Oil Cleanse Method (OCM). Sounds crazy. It is. The idea is that oil dissolves oil. I have super oily skin and yesterday, I rubbed Castor Oil, Grape seed Oil, and Tea Tree Oil on my face, put a wet towel on my face for a couple of minutes, wiped the oil off, and then applied more grape seed oil. My skin smelled a little strange, was extremely soft, and was definitely moisturized. In reviewing this method, there are people who love it and people who swear it damaged their skin. I don't have much to lose since my skin is already broken out. I'm using this method. 

This morning, I rubbed uber sticky raw honey all over my face and left it for 15 minutes. Leaving it wasn't so bad, it was the initial stickiness that is going to be the hurdle. I was surprised to find that after washing it off, my skin felt amazing. My pores were smaller and my face felt and looked extremely clean. I haven't found a negative review for using Honey yet. I found this idea here.

Straight out of the shower. From a distance it doesn't look so bad. 

I'm going to chronicle my journey in this and I really hope that in a few weeks you'll see a different picture than the ones posted below. It's extremely hard for me to post these pictures because I spend time every morning trying to make sure that all of it is covered up. Of course, I don't pile on heavy makeup so I know people still see, but it makes me feel better at least.

Right Side.  I always have trouble with my cheeks and neck. 

Left Side. Ugh!

Right side with Makeup.

Left Side with Makeup.

Makeup.  I wanted to end with one that I'm ok with. This is how I leave the house.

Justified

I'm really starting to feel confident in who I am again. It's been a really long time coming. The strange thing is that the Jung personality test helped me along. Sometimes I question why I do things and how much I contemplate everything. That test pinned me perfectly and in some odd way justified me. Eric will tell you that I'm always looking tor justification and I am. I want there to be a reason for my actions. Another thing that it pointed out is that I tend to push people away if they aren't being who I need them to be. I've been that way forever - even as a child. I also found out that my personality type and Eric's go together dealt well. I knew we were comapitble, but now we have the research to back it up. ;) There's just something beautiful about being justified. ;)

The Music Lives

Music. The best art in the world. Captures feelings and emotion. Calms. Soothes. Reforms. Music has always been a huge part of my life. It's a time stamp on different periods of my life. I remember being 3/4 years old and loving Alabama's Song of the South. I knew every word and my parents would listen to me sing it every day. I remember the first time I heard Tracy Chapman's Fast Car and how sad it made me feel. I was young but I felt all the emotion in that song. We used to have this huge cabinet record player with red speakers and at any given time you could find me listening and dancing to Michael Jackson's Thriller album. Beat It being one of my favorites. It made me feel tough and powerful. I transitioned through life with different musicians and almost always had the radio on. I even went through the depressed teenage years where all I listened to was Nirvana and could tell you everything there was to know about Kurt Cobain. I had 11 Nirvana shirts at one time. I became anavringirl (a screen name I'm sure has been coveted for years).That stage has definitely passed and I even find myself forgeting Nirvana lyrics and song titles. I've changed and moved on. When Eric and I first started dating, we listened to a lot of Pete Yorn, Radiohead, Sister Hazel, and Ben Folds. It was a great time and those worn albums bring back lots of memories. I moved on to Ben Kweller, Death Cab for Cutie, and went back to Hanson. Then there seemed to be a dead season in music. Rock and alternative changed and became something plain and emotionless. I only purchased new music of known bands. Music is now alive again. Bands like Mumford and Sons, The Avett Brothers, Of Monsters and Men, and Grouplove (just to name a few)are in the limelight and I am able to discover and enjoy new music again. It makes me happy to know that there is new music out there that is actually worth my money. My favorite band at the moment has to be the Avett Brothers. They have it all. Folk, rock, some grunge, pop. They allow me to feel every emotion in the book. They make me feel whole.

Friendship

I've never been very good at making friends. Of course it's even harder as an adult...I never know what to say and my awkwardness seems to overpower all of my other traits. I always seem to attract people who use me or just don't put in as much effort as I do. Sometimes, of course, I don't put in much effort because I really don't have that much in common with the person. What's there to lose in that case? I wonder if friendship is truly needed. Whether good friends are a neccessary or not, I would like to have them. So good friends needed/wanted: Must like/listen/enjoy good music and still appreciate what you don't like, be family oriented, be thoughtful/caring, give full attention when people are speaking, not be glued to your phone, know how to laugh, be silly at times, and be open-minded. Please apply within.